RAISSA G NOBLAT

Would you believe it? If I told you, four months ago, that I’d be using this golden pen right now? Writing peacefully about your (also mine) pain. Maybe even enjoying the pain? Understanding it. Sharing it. Being ok with it.  

Red coat. To be protected. Raincoat? Eather way, this one, I won’t keep. After so many selfish acts, I know I must change. I will give Lucas his red coat back. I’ve already done enough. I took enough from him, well not yet, but soon he’ll realize I’ve stolen his heart. Totally by accident. Didn’t mean to. Although I don’t think he will mind, or care.

Leo made a right turn and stopped at a gas station to try and find his hash. Smh. He was also driving quite slow for a grown man. And I don’t know what hurt more, his bad driving, not able to find things in his bag while driving (again, slowly) or comparing this moment with my past. The past where I let a boy drive me around LA, searching for marvelous views, speeding on the freeway, with good music on, and contemplating one of the best views… watching him roll a perfect hash and tobacco spliff while driving. I still love him for it. Anyhow, it felt like a car crash. Honestly, a car crash wouldn’t be so bad compared to how I felt then, in the moment I let comparison enter my brain. The past is gone, but I’m here.

What could I ever offer Lucas and Leo other than a friendship? What could I ever offer you other than a friendship? A friendship being such a beautiful and honorable relationship, something so pure and just… One would think that would be enough! 

Yet they want more. How come they don’t see that there’s nothing else I could give them, offer to them? Makes me think, if they can see me through(?). Or do they only see what they want to get? My looks, how nice I’m, how sincere I’m, how decisive I’m. Such a good kisser. A role model, they think I’d make a perfect girlfriend

Then, they look at my qualities and aim for the catch. Endless attempts to try to make me see something that’s not really there. Some imagine me laying next to them, day and night. Some imagine me rolling their joints. But I prefer spliffs.

I even came to the point where I told one of them “Eu não me aconselho” or, “I’d advise you to not pursue me, as I’m very kept to myself lately”. I can be such a prick sometimes, wanting to say something simple, wanting to help a boy out. Telling him simply, “I’m a waste of time, if you want me to fill up your time with romance.” I can only be fun, sometimes quite serious, but a good kind of serious, like in an intriguing way. But not romantic.

But I get by using words that need to be deciphered to make some sense, like I don’t want them to understand me?! But I do, in fact I do very much. It’s only that I can’t help myself, I flirt even when I’m trying to say; Don’t fall in love with me!  

So please, don’t, but do. Talk me, but don’t think of me. Call me, but only sometimes, rarely please. Be honest with yourself. Give me attention, love me for who I’m, that’s if you dare to really get to know me, the real me, the me your eyes can’t see.

Yours Truly,

Friend.