RAISSA G NOBLAT

Well, we all know I need more than just a simple distraction. I’m a young soul. Still learning. Never getting it right. Am I even trying to? Not to sound depressed but I can’t get it done. Not even alone. Upstairs room. Me. Alone. Sony camera. Tripod. Paper. Pencil. It should be all I need. I guess. But there’s money missing, and I think of my problems all over again.  

My inspirations, I found on google (as if). They make me nervous when I’m trying to make sense of a creation. I think in Portuguese, then I think in English. Still don’t get it right. I give up even before it’s too early.  

I’m home for Christmas after seven years and don’t know what to do. I love everyone here, but do I like me here? Do I love me? Maybe it wasn’t better there, it was only easier… I was upset then, as I am now. But really, what has changed?????? I have no clue. Seven months plus, and I’m still looking for an answer. While I distract others, no one can distract me like that girl I met on T-street in January 2017. It’s now January 2024.  

The thing I need to get done it’s still on my list. Overdue. Thoughts are overdue. Emails overdue to respond. DUE TO… be OVER. Hours and hours have passed over these seven months (plus), and I can’t get over myself…….. SUCH a shame. SHAME on me. But I have no shame really……  So, I go ahead and distract myself.

What a flawless life, living in this peaceful distraction. Me myself and I. Lost in time with no time to spend. I look, look, and overlook. Watch it and rewatch it. Nothing changes. Sleep. Wake up alone. Oh, I rather be restless…. So, I turn on the Tv, and watch it (something) again. I have amazing ideas, write them down. But they go to waste. I forget about them. I write a little poem and hate it afterwards. I get tired. I feel tired.  

A B C. I’m learning…. As well as I’m forgetting. At least I’m trying to remember how’s it to love me, cause that’s another thing I forgot. Love. 1 2 3.  

I look up French tutors on google, then I think;  

~ Hummm maybe switch to German? ~ 

It’s a serious business for me, what my third language should be. A matter of choice, the right choice. I value my voice and do give prize to my next (new) form of expression. I feel wild and decide on Russian.  

 I spend way more money than any other unemployed should ever dream of (Dare to) spending. Like the unrealistc little human that I am. Reckless even. It’s a good distraction, I have to say.  

I get up and cut all the smoke and alcohol from my existence (at least for now). Not the best distraction. I go to bed at 10 pm, sharp. My body looks better than never, and when I tell you better than ever, believe me, it is looking good. I wake up at 5am and think about writing classes, maybe even college for a change.

 Along with the substances (at least the ones that were not prescribed to me by my favorite doctor) that were cut from my life, I had to cut off something else. Something important. That something is love. Was love. Don’t get me wrong… I did not leave my heart at the sidewalk. Most definitely didn’t. I could never. 

I’m still a lovely person with the ability to love (maybe). I’m just not IN love anymore (shouldn’t). Not in love, as in Out of it, away, at the other side of. No longer in the love business, I thrive on my new daily tasks as I realize it’s a better distraction to be alone. It’s not right, but it’s done. Sadly.  

Perhaps this text should be called “You’ll get this right” other than “Something to distract me”.  

But will I? Do I know this for a fact?  

“No”. “I don’t”.  

So, I sit here and wait for that thing to come along and distract me. I turn off the television. Set up my vision and look for more, I look beyond. I look past any trouble. I try to find a word to replace the conjunction “So”. I noticed I use it too much. But it’s hard to replace anything lately.  

Like I told you… I’m learning. I write my own songs and distract me alone. The beat is missing all right…  but having the lyrics is all I need. All I need to feel distracted.  

My expression is my healthy distraction. Perhaps the one I should focus on. 

Your distracted writer 

S2 Photobooth S2